Transformers Revenge Of The Fallen Review

25.06.2009 by Adrian A. Lozano

Bye the time the second act of “Transformers Revenge of the Fallen” got under way I was ready to transform and roll out of the theater. The movie opened last Friday June 20th here in Tokyo ahead of most parts of the world. It didn’t open in the US till Wednesday June 24th and the majority of reviews from critics and bloggers have mostly been bad. I whole heatedly agree with anybody who was disappointed with the movie, it is actually beyond disappointing and more along the lines of insulting.

When I saw the first "Transformers" movie in 2007 I had the same complaint list everybody else had, flames on Prime, Prime having a mouth, Bubblebee not being a VW Bug, no Soundwave, but regardless of that laundry list of complaints I actually came out of the movie content with Michael Bay’s version. The first movie turned out to be a cookie cutter Hollywood summer blockbuster. Nothing special but nothing I would demand my money back for either. I’m not a Michael Bay hater; I really enjoyed The Rock and Bad Boys 1. He is really good at making things blow up and his car chases are some times jaw dropping. Then there are his attempt at drama, which he usually relies on sunsets and slow motion walking to get his point across which is almost always forced on to the viewers. He might not make Oscar winning films but usually he does a decent job of providing entertainment, well that’s what I though before sitting through “Revenge of the Fallen which left me with a massive headache. First off credit goes to all the amazing visuals that are all over the film. Visual effect artists are at their peak and have a strong hold on their craft. Now if only Paramount, DreamWorks and countless other studios would learn to get a hold of a craft they have all long lost.

Anyways, the story, or lack of, is basically that the Transformers have been on Earth as early as 17,000 BC and a group of Prime ancestors have made a settlement, but then the strongest one of the Primes goes rogue and starts killing cavemen. Then the movie jumps to present day Shanghai where a special top secret US government strike team called NEST, which is made up of the first movies' military unit and Autobots, are going around the world hunting Decepticons. Personally I hate the idea that Autobots are hunting and killing Decepticons. No trial, no jury... just flat out killing them on the spot. What kind of mirror universe is this? Well it’s the kind where even Optimus Prime will shoot a badly wounded and unarmed Decepticon straight in the face, but not before he warns them of the return of the Fallen.

So now the word is out and the Fallen is something to worry about, but of course the pencil pushers in Washington think there is no threat and want to take control of NEST. So they send some guy in a suit to the secret base to start giving orders. Just in case you are all wondering, all you need is a blank piece of paper to shove in a guards face to be granted access to top secret military installations, I’m serious try it some time. The stiff in the suit starts blabbing his mouth off about how he knows everything up till now and reveals that the All Spark was destroyed, except for one piece which is safely guarded and then discloses its’ whereabouts, and Megatrons’ location while being broadcast on a secure military channel, which happens to have been hacked by Soundwave. Yep, Soundwave is in the movie and get this - he is a satellite with a head orbiting the earth. He even speaks, but not with that oh so cool G1 voice. He sounds like G1 Megatron. No reverb sound, just classic Megatron.

So while all this is going on, the movie goes to the Witwicky home where Sam is gearing up for his move to college. This part of the films goes on way too long and has too much of his parents running around like fools. Like Father, like son I guess. Sam just happens to find an extra shard of the All Spark in his old hoody he wore in the first movie which he drops and it gives life to some house hold appliances and Gremlins type antics ensue. These Gremdecons make a mess of the house. Sam cries for Bubblebee who now is at best reduced to an obedient dog that kills the Gremdecons and lays waste to the Witwicky home. Bad dog, bad dog says Sam, and Bubblebee goes back to the doghouse which is the garage.

These types of scenarios happen countless times throughout the whole movie, as if the writers kept typing “Insert Sam’s Parents” into pages of the script where there was no budget for CG. All the scenes with Sam’s parents or with his girlfriend were all wasted, which only serves as opportunities for the viewer to send phone texts or take a bathroom break. We get it; Sam is a looser with a hot girlfriend that in the real world, unless he was rich, he could never have. Sam gives the shard of the All Spark to his Girl and asks her to give it to Optimus Prime, which makes no sense since his dog (Bumblebee) is an Autobot.

Soundwave sends out Decepticons to get the guarded All Spark piece and use it to bring Megatron back to life. They find Megatron, resurrect him, and then he leaves Earth to I guess Cybertron or a moon....it’s not really clear. When he gets there he yells at Starscream and then goes to his master the Fallen. The Fallen is basically Lord Sidious from "Star Wars"; the same kind of deal - he is old and powerful and he wants revenge. The Decepticon race is dying and they need more Energon to survive, and there is only one source left which is the Earth's sun. The only thing that can stand in the Fallen's way is a Prime, so he sends Megatron and Starscream to find Sam. Man Megtron is a total wuss in this film, Megatron is nobodies stooge but Bay's is as obedient as a poodle. Sam is now an even worse bumbling idiot, who is now seeing symbols because he touched the All Spark. The Fallen needs what is inside Sam’s head.

This is taking too long. Here it is in a nutshell. A Decepitcon human pretender seduces Sam which will remind you of the Species alien tongue and all. Mikaela kills her. Sam, Megan, and a fellow geek get captured, and are eventually saved by Optimus Prime and Bubblebee. Optimus Prime has to fight Megatron, Starscream and Blackout. Megatron kills Optimus Prime and I didn’t care one bit! The last Prime is now dead, the Fallen comes to earth, and now it is a race to Egypt to find the Matrix of Leadership, which is the key to the secret weapon that will take the sun’s energy and turn it to Energon. By the time you get to the climax of the movie your head starts to throb in pain. There are way too many plot lines in this film that are all terrible and go nowhere.

Our group of idiots go to the air and space museum and find a SR-71, who turns out to be Jet Fire, a grumpy old Yoda type Decepticon turned Autobot that teleports them to Egypt. In the end there is a big battle. Sam has the militia bring Optimus Prime's dead body to Egypt so he can bring him back to life with the Matrix of Leadership. Prime is brought back to life, The Fallen takes the Matrix, Jet Fire merges with Prime to make him more powerful and kills the Fallen. Megatron swears revenge for Optimus Prime killing his master and retreats with Starscream. Everybody is happy and Optimus Prime ends the movie with a similar narration like the first movie.

The good:
· Optimus Prime fighting off Megatron, Starscream, and Blackout, I think that is about it.

The bad:
· Sam mother getting high off hemp brownies
· Sam’s parents
· Dry humping dogs (twice) and Wheelie dry humping Mikaela’s leg.
· Decepticon Pretender’s lasso tongue.
· Devastator's wrecking ball scrotum (I wish I was joking).
· Any scenes with actors that involves dialogue.
· The Autobot Twins - too much screen time, it’s like watching the Wayans brothers but 40 times worse.
· Stereotypes off every kind and most are in your face insulting.
· The Lincoln Park music riffs, and music during the credits.

So my verdict is this film is one of the worst films I have seen in a while. Yes Dragonball was bad but you knew it was bad this movie already passed with the first one then Bay had to go and transform it to something worse than Congo.